Where I'm at

I started meditating about a week ago. I signed up for 4 day course, 770 bucks, and that's concession- health care card. I palm it off as a good thing, and it's helping. But I'm making dumb decisions with money; I MAKE dumb decisions with money. New TV, then ANOTHER 4K player to make it play what I want. Bought ANOTHER Xbox a month or two ago. Spent hundreds on new movies just last week. I buy snacks, and quick food options, sometimes alcohol. Dumb shit, unnecessary shit, filling holes I'm staring into, acknowledging them openly as I toss my meager earnings- SAVINGS- inside. Load up the fast credit facilities. I WAS debt free, then I bought the FIRST TV earlier this year (last year?) on credit. Then I found out I racked up 12K in Centrelink overpayments a year or two ago, after the divorce.

I haven't smoked weed in a while. The last batch, Jack Herer, really sets off my paranoia, so I've just gone off it. The alcohol has really slowed down too; wine gives me headaches now. Doesn't stop me. It's cheaper and hangs around for less time than a bottle of spirits!

Bought a synth keytar. I can see it gathering dust. Because I hate how the laptop isn't strong enough to handle the app for building music! I let myself get distracted by the minor things.

Beside all this, I feel ok. I feel fine! I am accepting I am a selfish, insensitive, financially unstable axxhole: it's who I am. What is fighting against what I am inside and outside? I do not feel the anxiety of this, and I am feeling less anxiety being this in public, with others. I am learning to accept I have very stunted personal assertive skills in social situations. This is the pain I have to live with: it is my pain. To fight it, lament it is to fail understanding that we all have pain. 

I love my kids, my family, despite my shortcomings and how who I am makes me come up short in all aspects of life. I am a boring, uninteresting, persistent machine of habit. I make a minimal fuss of myself. I make everything worse by being this way and yet I persist, I must. Changing myself by force just doesn't work.

All of the self reflection is a lie I'm feeding myself.